Archive for the ‘Wedding Humor’ Category

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Futuristic Wedding Bands

Monday, December 7th, 2009

The future is never as far away as we think it is.  One minute you’re in high-school feeling young and invincible and the next you’re at your ten year reunion drinking Malibu Bay Breezes hoping the dress you’re wearing is successfully hiding leftover baby weight.  The future is coming, obviously, and you don’t have to be a Sci-Fi nerd to take a moment and dream about what sort of innovations this mysterious future may hold.

 

Since this future we speak of is virtually unknown, unless you’re Miss Cleo from the Psychic Hotline, it is ours to dream up and create.  Here are a few futuristic designs for Wedding Rings (this is after all a blog about Wedding Rings) that I would like to see for sale on the global market, so, if you Steve Jobs and Bill Gates of the future are out there and reading this, let’s get crackin’.

 

Morality Censor

These days married couples need all the help they can get to stay together.  With the Morality Censor Wedding Band, every time a married individual is tempted to break one of the sacred vows he or she made on their wedding day, they will receive a small shock to his or her finger.  Like a lie detector, the ring monitors blood pressure and moisture to determine if the individual is about to commit a regretful act.  Maybe Tiger Woods could’ve avoided a lot of headache if he’d had one of these helpful rings?

 

Love Communicator

Remember on Star Trek when each member of the Enterprise’s crew could touch the communicator badge on their chest and immediately get in contact with any other crew member aboard?  That’s how the Love Communicator Wedding Band works.  Couples can talk to each other through their wedding bands by merely tapping the center stone and saying the other person’s name.  A one time fee will be paid for the ring with no additional costs except to charge the ring’s batteries…take that Sprint!

 

Aviation Apparatus

I think rings of the future should have a mechanism that, when activated, allows its wearer to fly.  Not that flying has all that much to do with love or being married, but I am of the opinion that any further futuristic inventions should include the ability to fly.  No reason, I just really would like to fly.  Fly or become invisible, being invisible would be pretty cool too.

 

Peace Ring

All previously mentioned rings were designed for selfish reasons to benefit only the couple as a single unit.  If there were a way to create a ring that emits a radio wave that could influence any human that comes into contact with the wearer with thoughts of peace, we could finally be close to bringing about World Peace!  Once we create world peace, we could also invent anti-cancer rings, Alzheimer blocking rings and love-making enhancer rings as well.  Although, we would have to test these Wedding Bands out first, mind control can be very tricky.

 

All you big dreamers out there, get out the tool box and put on your thinking caps!  I will expect to hear of a prototype of at least one of these inventions in the next five years.

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Runaway Brides

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

It’s common for women and men to get cold feet before their wedding day.  Most couples resolve their issues by talking out their fears, some have an extra glass of champagne before the ceremony and others choose to merely put on their fastest sneakers and run away.  This last, and least sane option, was most dramatically executed by the now infamous “Runaway Bride,” Jennifer Wilbanks in 2005.

 

The big question remains, if her cold feet start a-runnin’ what do you do about the engagement ring?

 

As illustrated in the 1999 hit movie Runaway Bride starring America’s favorite romantic comedy duo, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, sometimes the bride does come back.  So, what to do about this ring?

 

Should the man be chivalrous and insist that the ring was a gift in hopes of winning relationship points and a possible reconciliation with his footloose fiancé?  Or, should he insist she return the ring in question immediately until she decides whether or not she actually wants to get married?  While the latter is a safe move financially, emotionally it is a clear sign to your uncertain spouse that you think it’s over too and adds an element of validity to her gnawing doubts.

 

In honor of a true no win situation, here are a few signs to look out for in order to avoid a 3 carat bridal marathon all together:

 

  1. If she has crazy eyes and says she’s going for an evening jog a couple of weeks before your 600 guest wedding, ask for the ring back.  She’s clearly crazy and why you didn’t see it before now is a total mystery.  Let her go running, just make sure she removes all jewelry before her feet hit the pavement.
  2. Once she gets the ring, she moves into a secret apartment with the pool boy.  This little vixen is only about having her cake and eating it too.  She is a gold digger and is obviously not willing to be monogamous, get the ring back and move on.
  3. You and your wife-to-be make it through a two year engagement and then, on the morning of your wedding, she locks herself in the bathroom and refuses to go through with the wedding.  This is a case of temporary jitters.  While her behavior is irrational there may be real meaning behind her actions.  Grab a screwdriver or a tall ladder and work it out, she didn’t run far so she wants you to help her come back.  Let her keep the ring.
  4. The hardest decision to make will be the less clear cut uncertainty that can occur two weeks or so before the wedding.  If your fiancé is expressing doubts, talk it out first.  If she needs a little hiatus with her girlfriends, don’t jump the gun and ask for the ring back.  Reassure her of your commitment and let her take some time to sort things out.

 

Whether Julia Roberts or crazy eyed Jennifer Wilbanks, if your jittery bride starts to bolt, pull out your running shoes, try to catch her and pray that she isn’t very fast.

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Third Time’s the Charm!

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

If you’re lucky enough you’ll get the chance to be married once in a lifetime, but if you’re really lucky, you’ll have the opportunity to get married a second, third and even a fourth time.  While the end of a wonderful institution such as marriage is hard and can include a lot of painful heartache, getting married again can be a second chance to do everything you didn’t get to do the first time.

 

Some couples think that because they aren’t as young and naïve as they were in the first matrimonial go around, they should have a more low key ceremony for the second.  I say, don’t be ashamed that you found love on the second try!  This is your chance to avoid all the rookie mistakes you made the first time.

 

  1. Chances are, you and your fiancé are a little older and more experienced.  You probably have pretty good careers at this point unlike the minimum wage positions you were barely scraping by with during your first wedding.  You can afford to pay for a big shindig for you and your guests, get that dream dress and buy the ring that you always wanted but could never afford.
  2. No more meddling parents!  Because you can afford it and because they paid for it the first time, your parents should have no financial stake in subsequent marriages.  So, get them a glass of champagne and let them kick back and see how happy you are to have finally found true love.
  3. Don’t be shy!  Couples tend to pick subtle and safe wedding bands when they are young and unsure about their likes and dislikes.  Since this is your second or third trip to the jewelers, don’t be shy.  You know what you like by now, be brave and get the ring that is unique and says something bold about you.
  4. No more kids.  First marriages often end with kids on both sides of the bride’s family and the groom’s family.  Blended families make life exciting and just imagine no more diapers and all night cry fests.  Marrying a man or woman with kids is instant family, all the rewards with none of the hard work!
  5. Make this time unique.  Traditional weddings are for traditional couples.  If this is your third or fourth trip to the altar, change up the altar.  Maybe a change of venue will bring a change of luck for you and your fiancé.  And, if you want to consider those loyal guests who keep attending all your weddings out of respect to you, give a little back and make this one count by throwing them a party they’ll never forget!

 

Pretend you’re Elizabeth Taylor or Donald Trump and live your life to the hilt, regardless of how many times you have to start over again!  Just because you’re searching for love doesn’t mean you have to do it in a conservative pants suit with a boring wedding ring.

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Are you a Bridezilla-to-be?

Friday, November 27th, 2009

The character of Godzilla was introduced in a 1954 film as a Japanese fictional monster said to be part gorilla/part whale and all big and scary.  It only makes sense, I suppose, that overzealous, control freak brides deserve to have their names melded with such a monstrous beast.  You have to admit, the image of a 300 foot bride terrorizing a city with her crazy eyes and impossible demands is to say the least, hilarious.

 

So, listen up ladies, it’s wake up call time!  If you think the question is coming soon, now is the time to relax and realize that even though every magazine and wedding book says this day is all about the bride, they’re wrong!  It is not all about the bride, or even the groom for that matter, it’s all about the two of you as a couple, joining each other in a sacred union and spending the rest of your lives together.

 

Here are a few early warning signs that you might already be more of a bridezilla-to-be than a lovable, huggable bridekitten.

 

  1. Don’t push.
    If you’ve only been dating a short period of time and talk of marriage hasn’t even come up in casual conversation, then you’re probably not ready to take the big step.  Most bridezillas are more excited about getting married than they are about actually being married to their boyfriends, marry for love and not for the attention.
  2. The engagement ring.
    It all starts with the ring.  The ring is the first tangible item a bride receives before the pre-wedding buying spree commences.  To a bridezilla, who has been tracing designs of her perfect ring since she was thirteen, the material possession of a ring is more important than what it represents. 
    If there is a ring that you really want, you can leave subtle hints by telling a family member or pointing out particular styles if you and he “happen”onto a wedding ring website while surfing the Internet one rainy day. 
    NOTE TO MEN ONLY: Pay attention to what she likes when you do some casual window shopping together.  If you think this approach is too obvious, ask a family member, they can help you out if you get really stuck.
  3. Early action.
    This is the most important warning sign that you are about to cross the point of no return into bridezilla-ville.  I know that some churches and banquet halls book up to a year in advance, I understand that a custom-made dress can take almost two years to complete and I realize the time it takes to find the perfect wedding bands but do not start shopping for a wedding until you are actually engaged!
      

Let’s ban together and destroy this mythological creature that is “Bridezilla” and prove to our spouses-to-be once and for all that they are at least as important if not more important than the size of the engagement ring or the designer of the wedding gown.  The fact that you read this blog is a good sign, admitting you’re a bridezilla is the first step on the road to recovery.

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A Jewelry Box Story

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

In a drawer, long forgotten by me, until now that is, are several luxurious miniature boxes of various colors and sizes.  They are jewelry boxes of rings and bracelets and necklaces past.  Some boxes are so intricate and beautiful in their own right, I can’t ever bring myself to throw them away.

 

If I thought about it long enough, I can imagine the person whose sole responsibility it is to invent these ingenious little boxes.  How they must sit and agonize over the box snapping open perfectly every time it’s opened, hoping that the hinges won’t fail at that crucial moment.  The ring box inventor closes his eyes and imagines a fella on a date with his best girl and a box slightly protruding from his suit jacket pocket.  He visualizes the story line, step by step…

 

Throughout dinner said guy smiles at said girl and continues to touch said box nervously over and over again.  He wonders if she’ll be surprised, he hopes he doesn’t lose the ring between now and then and he prays with all his might, to whomever might be listening, that she says “yes.” 

 

Up until this point it is the askee that bears the onus of the success of the big moment.  The strength of the relationship to this point, the readiness of  marriage and even this very night itself has not much to do with the ring box maker thus far, but his moment is quickly arriving.  Like the blur of a passing bullet train, the night whizzes past.  From across the crowded dining room, a piano player gives a slight nod toward the couple’s table and begins the opening chorus to “their song.”

 

The man touches the box one more time to make sure it’s still in his pocket, then smoothly grabs the microphone from the outstretched hand of a nearby waiter.  He gets up from the table as he starts to sing to his hopeful wife to be.  She cowers in mock embarrassment, all the while blindly texting “this is it!” to her best friend from under her dinner napkin.  The song continues, the man gets on bended knee and changes the last line of the song to “will you marry me?”

 

The ring box maker’s moment has arrived!  Once the ring box is triumphantly revealed, the sleek outer casing causes the intended to immediately anticipate exactly what gift is inside.  Then the small perfect package is opened, the ring almost blinds her it is so dazzling perfectly placed on a bed of soft crushed velvet.  She is overwhelmed but manages to squeak out a “yes” between tears.  He puts the ring on her shaking hand, the whole restaurant claps in approval and the moment is over.

 

The ring box maker sighs.  The ring will last forever as a token of this couple’s love, but what of the ring box?  Probably destined to be thrown out, kept and used on occasion or even thoughtfully saved in some forgotten drawer.  But on this day and this blog we rings and ring wearers salute you ring box maker, thanks for the lift!

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Armageddon

Friday, November 20th, 2009

They say when the end of the world comes, the only things left in the universe will be roaches and Twinkies.  Well, if we’re going to make a list, you should probably include hard candies left in Grandmother’s candy dish, Keith Richards and Titanium Wedding Bands.

 

It is a well known fact that Keith Richards is going to live forever.  He may look a little ragged by the end of it all but I assure you he’ll be around, he always is.  If you think about it, it’s easy to imagine Keith making trash cubed skyscrapers all alone with Wall-E on post-apocalyptic Earth, eating Twinkies and fried roaches with every finger and toe decorated with sparkly Titanium rings.

 

I bring up Armageddon, not to be morbid, but to address an issue the whole world seems to be a-flutter about, probably due to some coincidence of the release of  John Cusack’s new end-of-the-world thriller, 2012.  The movie plays off a popular theory that the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar, which started thousands of years ago and runs out around December 21, 2012, signifies this date as the end of everything due to some cataclysmic or transformative event.

 

To date, pun intended, there are no astronomical observations that support such events which, if the predictions are true, will be initiated by nature and not man.  However preposterous, the movie looks really fun and I thought that if I was to survive, which I totally think I will based on how many disaster movies I’ve seen, I’d want to know what will survive with me.

 

I don’t want to end up like Burgess Meredith in that classic episode of the The Twilight Zone entitled Time Enough At Last, in which the end of the world occurs and Burgess is left alone with a million books to read and all the time to read them…only to have his stupid glasses break.  It seems to me, that anything able to withstand extreme temperatures, fire, water, Superflu and nuclear radiation will have a better chance of remaining in tact after the disaster ends.

 

For those of you romantics out there that wish their wedding rings to survive a world ending catastrophe of epic proportions, Palladium and Titanium are the strongest metals used to make bands out of.  It is common knowledge that Diamonds are the toughest stone, so ladies, be prepared to use that giant rock on your finger as the best cutting tool in your post-apocalyptic arsenal.  Even you men can’t rough them up too much with all the heavy construction and repopulating you’ll be doing once the world ends.

 

Let’s say for posterity’s sake the world doesn’t end and you’re just a person who works a lot with their hands, and is looking for a ring to keep up with your strenuous routine.  Look into the Palladium or Titanium models, they are made out of tougher metal than white or yellow gold and won’t fade in color over time.  Even if there is no Armageddon, you’ll still be happy with a ring that just might survive one anyway…

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Gremlins took my wedding ring!

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Most of us have an annoying habit of losing small important items, and no, unless you starred in a movie by the same title in the eighties, gremlins didn’t steal it.  If you’re like me, you are constantly misplacing keys, matching socks and to some underage drinker’s total delight, your license a time or two.  While temporarily annoying, keys can be remade in twenty minutes at your local hardware store, socks can be purchased at a minimal cost and after several hours at the DMV, a license can also be replaced.

 

Not that a wedding ring isn’t replaceable, it is.  But even though you may get an exact copy of the ring you had before (and maybe without your spouse even knowing you lost it, if you’re crafty enough) but it still isn’t and never will be the ring your spouse gave to you in holy matrimony on the day of your wedding.

 

If you have already lost and replaced your ring, don’t feel bad, this article is not intended to make you feel guilty but rather to help you from losing it again.

 

The best advice I can give on how not to lose your ring is quite obvious.  Don’t take it off.  Unless the ring doesn’t fit, which is a problem that should be fixed immediately after purchase, the chances of the ring falling off your finger accidentally are slim to none.  If you take your ring off to do everyday activities, however, such as shower, sleep and wash your hands then you are exponentially increasing the probability that you’ll lose it.

 

Don’t be afraid to wear your ring in the shower.  Wedding rings are more noticeable to the wearer at first, but over time the ring will become more comfortable and even barely discernible.  A little soap isn’t going to hurt the precious metal no more than if you removed the ring beforehand, left it on the side of the tub for safekeeping and then inadvertently knocked it down the drain when getting out of the shower.

 

Don’t take your ring off in strange places.  Especially during flu season, it is imperative more than ever to wash your hands after doing even the most average activity, but that doesn’t mean that you should prop that beautiful ring up on the side of a slippery sink (specifically a sink whose pipes you can’t go rooting around in if in fact your ring goes circling down the drain).

 

If you don’t like to sleep with your wedding ring on, put it in a jewelry box instead of on a busy, overcrowded nightstand.

 

Oh, and if you are thinking about shoving that new shiny wedding band in your pocket to appear available on a night out with your buddies, beware, rings are very small and it would be embarrassing to explain to your new spouse how you lost it at some sleazy bar.

 

Yes there are insurance policies, warranties and all kinds of ways to replace a lost ring.  My thought is, why go through the hassle when you can take these few precautions and hold on to that very special original.

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Jobs hazardous to your ring’s health

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Congratulations!  After surviving tyrannical wedding planners, battling in-laws, uncooperative vendors and a monsoon on your honeymoon, you are now successfully married with only a license and a ring to prove it.  Unless you are a quirky sort of couple, then I recommend having shirts made that say, “I just got married and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

 

A marriage license looks lovely in a fancy frame proudly mounted on the wall of a busy family room or, for those with a little less flair and a little more caution, can just file it away in a metal cabinet in some lonely hanging folder marked “important docs.”

 

Either way a marriage license, barring fire or flood, will for the most part remain free from the wear and tear of the world whirring outside your front door.  Your beautiful and exponentially more expensive wedding ring, however, will be subject to the everyday gentle and not so gentle thumps and knocks the average hand takes in a day.  A few jobs that are particularly rough on pretty rings include:

 

Bartender

If you wear a wedding ring while bartending it can be extremely helpful when warding off unwanted drunken suitors but it can wreak havoc on your beautiful ring.  The biggest hazard of all is the bin of ice bartenders are constantly working over.  Not that ice will damage your ring in any particular way, but if for some reason a diamond pops out of a loose setting it will certainly never be found in several pounds of glittering ice.  If you are a bartender, I would suggest looking into bands with the diamonds in a channel setting where they will be more securely embedded in the band.

 

Farmer

Manure and delivering a calf are reason enough to might make you want to consider sporting your ring on a chain around your neck at work.  Yuck.

 

Doctor/Nurse

Far worse than getting your ring dirty is the thought of losing a stone or the ring itself during a surgery…quite possibly on the inside of a patient.  Even if you get that one back would you ever want to wear it again knowing where it’s been?  In reality, all doctors and nurses wear protective gloves so my advice is to get as many diamonds on the band as you wish, just make certain the diamonds don’t sit too high as they might poke through the gloves.

 

If you work in an office setting, consider your ring virtually safe from harm, other than injury to your hand from carpel tunnel syndrome because your diamond is so big and heavy it hurts your finger when you type.

 

Overall, be thoughtful when you shop for a wedding band.  This is not a piece of jewelry that is meant to be stowed away in a dusty jewelry box, it’s meant to be worn every day as a symbol of your devotion to your spouse.

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Surprise! – Will you marry me?

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Whether dining out or at a baseball game, who doesn’t love a surprise proposal…as long as it’s happening to somebody else.  Most engaged or married couples can testify to the hazards of being caught off guard with an unexpected proposal from a boyfriend or girlfriend.  To avoid potential disaster and a possible relationship ending fight, there are a few things said proposers should consider when asking the all important question, “Will you marry me?”

 

Does your intended know who you are?

While this question may seem obvious to the majority of us, there are a few loony tunes out there that sometimes fall in love without knowing a last name or ever having introduced themselves to their betrothed hopeful!  Just a suggestion, offering an engagement ring is a promise for a lifetime of marriage, not just an agreement to throw a really kick ass party together.  If you want to throw a party in which you and some hot chick are the star, how about start with a birthday party or reunion picnic or something similarly inconsequential.

 

Buy the ring first.

True, it is difficult to buy a ring without the intended wearer’s input but just consider it as a true test of how well you actually know the person that you intend to marry.  If you are willing to take the time to consider what ring he or she would truly like, it is good measure of the lengths you are prepared to go to make them happy for the rest of your lives.  Plus, nobody takes a ringless proposal seriously.

 

Don’t get too involved with hiding the ring.

The point of asking someone to marry you is to have them say a joyful “YES!” not to have them be confused on some weird scavenger hunt when they don’t even know what they are looking for.  Avoid hiding the ring you paid so much for in messy foods such as chocolate, creamy soups or wine.  If the answer is yes, you don’t want your beautiful ring covered with chunks of chocolate chips or clam chowder.

 

Don’t agitate the intended to enhance the element of surprise.

Meaning, don’t orchestrate some elaborate fake fight or frightful situation just so your beloved will be more unsuspecting.  Plans like this always backfire and can potentially lead to a breakup situation if the person feels as if you are constantly tricking them.  Practical jokes that are mean are still mean, even if they have the best of intentions and not everyone has a forgiving sense of humor.

 

Roll with the punches.

Your proposal is not going to go the way you planned it.  The only predictable thing about life is that life is unpredictable.  If your suit jacket catches on fire or it rains on your romantic picnic don’t panic, your proposal just became a more interesting story to tell your kids someday.

 

Good luck, and if they say no make sure to take that ring back!

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Wedding survival guide – The Best Man

Monday, November 16th, 2009

It is a dubious honor to be chosen as a best man.  On one hand, the position of best man is an honored title and allows the chosen gentleman to be privy to the most exciting and special events of his close friend’s holy matrimony.  On the other hand, the best man has an incredible amount of responsibility including the all important bachelor party and the great privilege of being keeper of the bride’s wedding ring.

 

Being “Lord of the Ring” sounds fun, oh let’s say, about six months before the wedding.  The best man may even begin to imagine that he will bear this ring through an amazing adventure with elves and hobbits through talking forests with sword fights and camping trips.  But as the months turn into weeks, and the weeks into days, the fantasy fades and is replaced by uncomfortable jokes from the bride and mother-in-law about how the best man better not lose the ring or they’ll cut off his arms and beat him to death with them.  These jokes are sort of funny, until you notice that the bride and her mom may not be kidding.

 

Dear best man, here’s a tip…don’t lose the wedding ring.  If you want, I can offer a few ideas to help you keep hold of that all important, very little piece of jewelry.

 

-  Don’t accept the ring from the groom until the day of the wedding.  The less time you have it in your possession, the greater the chances that you won’t lose it.

-  If you do accept this ring at an earlier date, say the day before, don’t bring it to the bachelor party.  I saw the movie The Hangover and I’m merely trying to protect you from marrying some call girl in a drunken haze the night before the wedding with the very ring you were sworn to protect.

-  Buy a box to hold the precious in.  If you’re a handy fellow, fashion a clip for it to your tuxedo, kind of like those belt clips Wall Street dudes have for their Blackberries.

-  Don’t wear it.  It probably won’t fit and you probably won’t be able to get it off at the crucial moment.

-  If you do lose the ring, or are all sweaty and nervous that you might lose the ring, buy a back-up just in case.  You can find super cheap ones at the dollar store.  Just about anything round that can fit on a finger is legal to be wed with, if you want a good laugh, it can even be edible.

 

Most of all, relax.  The groom chose you as his Best Man because he loves you and he trusts you to help make his wedding day special.  Keep hold of that ring and the bride will probably let you keep your arms, that is until she sees the pictures from the bachelor party.

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